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McCormick Whiskey... Dear. God. Why.
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Many of us poor college kids have suffered through that charming rubbing alcohol flavor of McCormick brand vodka. After all, how can you beat the price of 9.99 for a handle?
But I have discovered something new. Something horrible. It is a sin, it is wrong, and it is an offense before man and God. I am talking about, of course, McCormick WHISKEY. I purchased a bottle during my recent trip to springfield, mo out of morbid curiousity. The first warning sign should have been the price tag of six dollars and fifty cents (for a 750). However, I bought it, undaunted, thinking that two years of drinking McCormick vodka had so thoroughly withered my taste buds that I could drink it.
Last night, I returned and opened the bottle with my roommates. One of them smelled it. The look of shock and disgust on his face was unsettling. It wasn't an ordinary look of disgust. He looked as if the odor rising from the bottle had morally offended him. After a warning that I shouldn't smell it first, he poured up our shots.
I took his advice, keeping the shot glass far enough away that the foul scent couldn't reach me. After raising my eyes to heaven and giving a short silent prayer that God would preserve my soul, we cheersed and I took the shot.
My life flashed before my eyes. The flavor was so, so...wrong. It resembled whiskey. Sort of like a harlequin fetus resembles a healthy newborn. The horrible taste was assaulting my tongue with extreme prejudice. My mind was paralyzed with shock, but years of drinking had trained my body and I swallowed the shot by sheer reflex. The taste...lingered. Like a dead thing in my mouth. I wanted to scream, but knew if I opened my mouth and unlocked my throat I would projectile vomit across the room. Only a few moments passed, but it felt like eternity as I fought my gag reflex. Finally I controlled it enough to grab some dr. pepper and gargle with it.
This is probably the second worst alcohol I have ever had, surpassed only by a whiskey I had in Thailand that tasted like bad whiskey mixed with molasses. Possible competition for #2 would be Taaka brand vodka. I'd have to do a side-by-side comparison to be sure, and...I'm not sure I want to do that.
This is a warning. Don't ever, ever drink this if you value your immortal soul. If you've had it before, my condolences. If us survivors stick together, we can rebuild our shattered lives. The bottle I have will sit in the darkest corner of our freezer until I think I can trick someone into taking a shot. The horror....
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